TRANS~FOR~MA~TION
Trans ~ for ~ ma ~ tion
Permanent ~ Lasting ~ Change
art by Monet Poe
Sarah and Monet 2005
We’re so cute… look at those smiles! My hair is looking extra shiny and I’ve got a nice tan goin’ on… Sullivans Island in the background …. life looks pretty perfect in this image. But this is just an IMAGE and that smile is holding back the weight of the whole damn world. My smile is a Divine gift and I use it for good. But for many years of my life, my smile was also a really good mask and it did a great job at covering up the darkness that filled a lot of my days back then.
During those years, I was in a soul battle to stay on the planet. After my abuse in high school, I became a shell of the Sarah that once lived in the vessel I call home here on earth. Shame and self hatred became my closest friends. I floated above my body most of the time, witnessing the destruction of sweet Sarah, but without the strength or even an ounce of understanding how I could help her.
Like most of us who have been the object of someone else’s suffering, I buried the truth and kept my abuse a secret from my family (until I was 32), and even now, not all my family knows. When I got sick enough, my family sent me to see a doctor. I told my doctors and they did their part by diagnosing me “mentally ill”.. and I became a scientific experiment. When one blue pill didn’t work, they would add a red one and a yellow one, then switch to an orange one and add two more blue ones, maybe a purple one... Over the years, I became a ‘doctor induced addict’ and I hated myself more every day I woke up.
Shame and guilt and fear haunted my entire world. When I was down, which was a lot of the time, I would recluse and hide from everyone (except my partner at the time). When I was up, I was the social butterfly, the perfect hostess, the life of the party, successful entrepreneur... I guess thats why they call it Bi-Polar, but let me tell you… labels like that are a death sentence and a total LIE. Trauma Induced Fear.. that is what I would name it, if I had to put a name on it, but mental illness.. no. A trusted friend who helps us move from “dis-ease to ease” calls it Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder CPTSD, and that would define it as well. BUT I wasn’t born this way. Something happened that changed the synapsis in my brain. Someone put their own suffering on me and it poisoned me. And then when I reached out someone who I believed could heal me, they poisoned me even more. This is where I want to scream “screw you doctors! You swore an oath to do no harm and you stole years of my life away with the swipe of your pen. And you made money doing it.” And I felt like this for years. For a long time I hated my abuser and my doctors and everyone who stood by and watched me dying a slow death, not knowing how to help me. But what good did that do me?
It wouldn’t happen over night.. but eventually I would meet FORGIVENESS and she would rescue me from all the hate I carried in my wounded heart.
And I would have to face myself and take responsibility for my own healing.. but that was going to take a minute..
In my early 20’s I tried everything I could to exit my life without completely horrifying my family. Overdosing or starving myself to death seemed the easiest way to politely leave my body and end the suffering that I was living. I didn’t fit in the world and I wanted OUT! I was living in physical and emotional hell. Pain in my body, nausea EVERYDAY, headaches, blackouts, panic attacks, completely void of energy. There were times I was so terrified of the world I couldn’t go to the grocery store or leave my bed. But something supernatural “saved me” from leaving this life every time I tried. Literally, my team of angels are rock stars. They’ve stuck with me through some wild times and haven’t given up on me. I love them eternally.
They were definitely there the morning I miscarried my first child. I was about 22 weeks pregnant and over the moon excited about becoming a mama. It was everything I ever wanted. I couldn’t wait to be a mom, the giver and nurturer in me was so excited to love a child! And then one morning, he was gone. I knew it the moment his Spirit left our body. I was completely devastated. And that was a crashing point for me. I wanted to curl up and die. I was so angry at...myself. Yep, Shame always knew when to show up, waltzing in the room, bla bla bla.. blaming me for everything bad that ever happened to me. I just knew I was being punished for something…
And here comes HOPE..
Three months after our miscarriage… Hope walked into my life in the form of an earth Angel we named Monet. Well she didn’t walk, but when she entered my womb, and things began to change. Around 3 months after my first child crossed over, I found out I was 10 weeks pregnant. MIRACLE #1
This was my HOPE, my Light. I at least WANTED to heal and stick around at that point. Monet activated a deep soul love inside of me that had been buried so deep I had forgotten it even existed. I was so in love with her even in my womb. I wanted to take better care of myself and I sang to her and talked to her every day. I also threw up for 7 months… We’ll talk about that later in our 40 days.. but I believe she activated me to start my path to healing with plant medicine. I became a vegetarian the moment I became pregnant with her. I’m so grateful she travels the Universe with me. She came bearing the Light when I had all but lost my hope of this planet.
But I still had no clue how to get out of hell.
I wanted to badly to get better. I wanted to be a great mom, a good partner. I wanted to help people and “save the world”. I had a non-profit during this time, called Portraits of Hope. I gave free photography sessions and albums to families who’s children we’re facing a terminal illness. My heart was still full of love for the world, but I was far from learning how to love and forgive myself.
Monet was born in 2000 and for our first next 8 years in this life together, I was still trusting my doctors to “heal me”. I spent 1,000’s of dollars on therapy and big pharma drugs. I let them sell me on their diagnosis and bought every book they told me to read on bi-polar. I read those books and claimed my title. “Crazy? I’ll show you fuckin’ crazy”. I cycled from insane highs to insane lows and everything in-between. But there were lots of moments of joy and peace too. Monet and I lived in a world of our own. She’s magic and she pulled me into her world where I could be anything I wanted to be. My pain didn’t exist in her world and she shared her magic with me, giving me hope and strength to endure those years. Some of my most painful memories are of lying in bed, literally unable to move, and little Monet would come crawl into bed with me to cheer me up and give me unconditional love. Her love is a Divine gift.
In 2007, my Papaw Poe crossed over. I didn’t get out of bed for a month. I had lots of weeks where I didn’t get out of bed, that was a normal part of my life by now. But this time was different. I was at the peak of my pill intake. I was spending $600 a month on therapy and another $800 or more on my medications. I was so doped up, you could call me the Walking Dead. I couldn’t speak to anyone, especially my clients, and I my body was completely out of service. My business crumbled and so did my relationship, my bank account, family relationships, friendships… and finally I lost my house in foreclosure in 2008. Holy hell, how did I get here?
I finally decided to tell my parents the truth. I was 32 years old.
Overnight, I was a “broke ass bi-polar single mama” (at least that is the story I believed then) , and naturally, my wonderful therapist couldn’t “help me” anymore when I couldn’t afford her, so she sent me to the state psychiatric ward to continue my “treatment”. My new doctors decided to give me a present.. a new diagnosis.. Schizophrenia . How perfectly generous of them! And my door prize was, you guessed it, some new purple pills and red pills! One to wake up, one for anxiety, one for psychosis, one for sweaty palms due to the anxiety, one for attention, one for panic attacks, and of coarse, one to help me sleep, ‘cause how is one suppose to sleep with all these colorful pills inside of me?
Some part of me at this point started to wake up. My higher self was looking for the key to get me out of these chains. The voices in my head, were MY voices. They were screaming at me at this point, literally. I knew I needed to find a doctor to help get me off these drugs. So I started my search, but I was broke.
A friend of mine suggested I try seeing a grad student because that was “affordable”. What did I have to loose? So I made my appointment and I got the courage up to ask her to help me get off the drugs. I told her that I didn’t think I was crazy and that maybe, just maybe, the pills were not helping me.
She looked at me and said, “I understand. I know what will help.” I remember for a brief moment thinking I had found my “savior”. But just as soon as she said those words, she got out her script pad and started writing…. “I’m going to trade the Seroquel for Valium." she tells me. Just as serious as all shit!
I will never forgot the feeling in my body in that moment. I stood up, and placed the script on her table and walked out the door without saying a word. The lump in my throat could have choked me to death. My partner (who wasn’t my partner at the time because we were on one of our “too many to count” break-ups) had agreed to pick me up. ( When I lost my house, my car also blew up, so during this time I was without wheels). I just went blank after I walked out of her office. I started walking. And I walked 9 miles home in the rain, just praying and begging God to save me from this hell. My partner found me on the road and begged me to get in the car but I didn’t respond. I was not even in this world. My body was walking in the rain, but my Spirit was soaring above having a real heart to heart with my guides. That moment shifted everything.
I’d like to think of my journey of healing like the butterfly going to into her cocoon and emerging a transformed work of art., but as I learned more about science and evolution, I think myself more of a dragon ~ fly. Forged by fire… flying like a fairy. Did you know that a dragonfly can molt (shed her skin) up to 12 times before she grows into an adult?
I can relate!
That day I walked home from my therapist appointment, and I made a decision. I was done with medications! Screw the doctors, they had only made things worse and I was ready to completely surrender to the Divine and seek the support of my angels and Great Spirit and no one else (except Monet… she was always my biggest cheerleader.. and I was hers!)
I went home and threw out all my pills and decided I couldn’t tell anyone what my plan was. I believed if I told them, that anytime I had an emotional blip of any sort, I would be persuaded to get back on my pills. You see, my family had bought into the doctors story too. I can’t blame them. We were all living in this hell. They loved me and were afraid for me too. How could they have known any different? This was all new to them… and they loved me the only way they knew how.
So I lied to everyone for over a year. And for the first month, I was extremely sick, physically and emotionally purging. I wouldn’t suggest this type of detoxing for anyone. We need someone to walk with us through the pain. We’re all connected and we aren’t meant to do this alone. I’m stubborn and I know better now. I was sick for a while, my gut was a wreck and my body beaten down from years of pharmaceuticals, bulimia and anorexia... There was the abuse that started this at the hands of a man, and the abuse that I put on myself from shame and fear, and it would be a long journey to find myself again. But I am SO grateful for the entire journey. I wouldn’t change a thing!
Shedding my skin over and over in transformation has led me to help others heal in a good way and that is worth every moment of the journey.
From that day on I was on a path to healing, with Mother Nature as my medicine this time. I asked for guidance to find the tools to help me shed the darkness and find my way back to my child spirit, Sweet Sarah.
I had a dream one night, and I was told that when I walked through the fires I would come out a new woman and that I would be able to help lots of people heal and protect others from the same kind of suffering that I had lived. From that dream I started calling on my Warrior Spirit. She has guided me all along the journey.
I’ve had angels on earth and in the Spirit world who have brought me the tools I needed along the journey to find my way home. I found sisters who listened without judging, who cried with me and supported me in more ways than I could ever count. I found yoga on the beach, an herbalist that is my real doctor AND my sister and I reconnected with God, in sunset swims on Folly Beach and dances on the Pourhouse deck. I learned to forgive my abusers. I began to see the broken boys in them and understand why they grew up to be abusive and filled with uncontrolled rage. I learned to love and forgive him, and pray for their healing.
I fell in love with nature again on a deeper level that ever before. And just like the little girl in the woods of West Virginia, I learned to seek joy and answers to life’s struggles in the trees and plants.. I found my way back into the Sacred Circle where I became a part of nature again and She, a part of me.
Most importantly, I got to save Monet from a whole lot of suffering. I got to protect her Light from a world that wanted to stifle her, drug her in Kindergarten and shame her for her unique brand of weird and wonderful… I got to homeschool her and hire Mother Nature as her teacher. We’ve walked through some painful fires together, but every storm, every fire, every “shedding” has led us here and I tell you what… we are walkin’ on sunshine! We bear the Light and live our Truth. We follow the Sacred flow and let Spirit lead us where we are meant to BE.
I felt called to share my story … which led me to wanting to hold space for these 40 days … and in this time together, to share parts of my story and “our story” that led us to create Poes for Peace. Thank you for hearing my story. And for every person reading this who played a part in my healing… I AM who I AM because you saw the TRUE Sarah in me and helped her feel safe and loved in the world again. You helped her find her way home and you gave the whole world a gift in doing do. BECAUSE WHEN WE HEAL EACH OTHER, WE HEAL THE WORLD… And I am a warrior of love and light and I AM unstoppable!
